Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
