i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
