i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
