please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
