if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
