sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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