When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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