Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
