nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
