I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
