Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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