Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
