Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
