Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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