So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
