is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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