Need sex. Gaining weight.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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