I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
