I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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