He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
