Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
