if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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