Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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