i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
