I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
