If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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