Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
