I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
