dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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