I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
