His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
