My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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