dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
