This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
