My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
