I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
