I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
