Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
