did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
