K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
