dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
