return my video game
why didn't you poke me back
I'm jealous of your bromance
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
