conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
