According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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