I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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