I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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