dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
