this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
