Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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