If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
