Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
