So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i would one night stand the shit outta him
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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