Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
